8 Thoughtful Life Lessons from 2020
Reflections for finding peace in self love, healing & healthy relationships
What a wild, scary, and beautiful journey this year has been. Personally and collectively this was a historical year. Darkness seemed to wash over the world with each passing month. The masses awoke with grief, racial injustice, political corruption, existential fear, and sickness of the mind, body, and spirit.
We were isolated and unsettled. We wrestled with our anxieties every day, unsure of what the world would look like tomorrow. Some of us were unscathed by COVID, others lost their family members, lovers, and friends to a virus we’re still trying to understand as we enter the new year. Together, we sailed seas of uncertainty and loss, but we weren’t all in the same boat. Like every year, 2020 affected each of us differently. It’s important we reflect on what we personally experienced, outside of the news headlines and even outside of your own inner circle.
We tend to focus on our negative experiences as human beings. There is no denying the hardships we faced globally, in our communities, and with our loved ones. The only way to heal from the traumas of this year is by facing the pain, in your own time, and in your own way. As you reflect on this year, I hope you can find the light in the cracks of your heart. I hope that the loss and disappointment you experienced this year also revealed what you’re grateful for. Without darkness, we wouldn’t know light. This is the contrast that defines the human experience.
For the past 3 years, I’ve shared lessons each year taught me. 2017 enlightened me with 21 truths, 2018 had a lesson each month, and 2019 gave me 10 perspectives for healing. 2020 undoubtedly taught us all a lot. As a global community, we had to adapt, grieve, listen, learn, set boundaries, and look out for ourselves and each other more than ever before.
8 Thoughtful Lessons from 2020
I hesitate to share that 2020 was one of the best years of my life. Not because this year was easy for me. I was consistently challenged mentally, emotionally financially, and personally. Through these challenges I made progress in my passions, career, healing, and relationships that I’ve been working towards for many years.
I have a lot to be proud of from this year, and if you take the time to reflect I’m certain you do too. I started a new job, moved to a new city, got my own apartment, started therapy, paid off debts, hosted 2 wellness retreats, created boundaries in my family, and made notable progress on my poetry book. It was the first year I manifested some deep desires. Here’s what I’ve personally learned from this challenging, beautiful year. Take what resonates for you and leave the rest ❤
❤ Setting boundaries is a critical part in healing and forming healthy relationships.
Therapy taught me the boundaries I was lacking in my family to fully process my childhood experiences and thrive in adulthood. I cut ties with my father for a majority of this year. I emotionally reinvested my relationship with him and as hard as this was, this created space in my life to heal and reparent my inner child and inch closer to the woman I know I’m capable of becoming.
Setting boundaries can be especially difficult with your family. This takes time for everyone to navigate and determine just the space they’ll need in each relationship. A good place to start practicing boundaries is with your work relationships and in your friendships. For example, if you feel like your time and work isn’t being respected by your boss, schedule a meeting to discuss the expectations you have as an employee for a work-life balance. If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed and need some time to yourself, communicate to your friends that you’re staying in for the weekend to destress.
Remember that how someone responds to your boundaries doesn’t determine whether the boundary should be in place or not. Boundary setting is about protecting your space, time, and energy. It’s important you know the intentions you have for each boundary you’re setting — and communicate these intentions to the people in your life as clearly as possible. It may take time for everyone to adjust, but this will help decipher who truly cares for you and what you need. The real people in your life will respect your boundaries and appreciate your honesty. All healthy relationships have boundaries.
❤ I deserve to rest.
This is a hard lesson for me that I’m still learning. I tend to judge my worth off of my productivity and how much I’m able to support others. This was a banner year in self care (for many of us). Living alone gave me the time and space to take care of my needs first.
I’ve confronted my deeply rooted habits of people pleasing and perfectionism. Changing life-long habits requires discipline, consistency, and compassion. You’re never going to get it right 100% of the time, each new day gives us a chance to try again and keep the promises we make to ourselves. “I deserve to rest” is a mantra of mine for 2021.
❤ Interrogate your beliefs and unlearn what no longer serves your true desires.
One goal I had in starting therapy was getting to a secure place within myself to have healthy romantic relationships. Therapy helped paint the picture of my true experience with love and how my traumas shaped what I believed was possible for myself in having healthy relationships. I had to unlearn many beliefs and stories I inherited in my childhood around love. I brought a lot of unconscious insecurities to the surface and opened my heart to believe I was worthy of the love I desire.
Unlearning your inherited beliefs takes time and practice. Bringing the unconscious, conscious, is a proactive effort. Meditation and journaling has helped me uncover the stories I had for myself and my life that weren’t even mine. Meditation isn’t solely meant to be without thought. Trying to still your mind brings up these thoughts that are on replay in the background of your life. In meditation you become aware of these thoughts, and with practice you’re able to investigate your thoughts and determine if these are really your beliefs. From there you make the mindful effort to shift your old beliefs and recreate what you believe is possible for you and your life.
❤ Avoiding your problems makes them bigger.
This goes hand-in-hand with avoiding your feelings. When we try to avoid our problems, we’re really trying to avoid the discomfort our problems make us feel. Most of the world has been taught to avoid their emotions and just keep powering through. Our emotions are our greatest teachers. We tend to look for answers outside of ourselves, seeking all these external solutions instead of looking within.
Our feelings tell us the issue that’s really under the surface and yes, opening up to your emotions is certainly uncomfortable. That’s the point, though. No one grows in comfort. It’s scary and painful to confront your fears and worries, but through this process you learn the actions you need to take to solve what ails you. Most of the time, you won’t get the answers right away. Your pain demands to be felt and it’s crucial to set the time and space to feel whatever comes up when you’re in stillness, with no distractions.
❤ Radical self love is unconditional compassion and grace for yourself.
In my new job this year, I battled insecurities that I’m not smart enough or capable enough to perform and excel in my job. For the longest time I didn’t feel confident or that I deserved this opportunity. This is of course typical when you’re starting a new job. And with time, you become more confident in your daily tasks. It’s possible to find peace in this process, and not beat yourself up for each mistake you make.
Radical self love is having unconditional compassion and grace for yourself. It seems hard to imagine being kind to yourself when you’ve made a mistake or when you feel unlovable and unworthy. True love for yourself is knowing that no matter how many mistakes you make, no matter how someone else makes you feel, you’re worthy of compassion and understanding.
Next time you want to beat yourself up over something, think of your friend being in this position and what you would say to them. Imagine your friend saying harsh things about themselves and how you’d never want them to feel that way about themselves. Start thinking of yourself like a friend — a human that’s doing the best they can and deserves kindness and compassion.
❤ Security is something nothing and no one else can give you.
This year tested our most primitive need for security and safety. Anxiety reached an all-time high around the world, warranted by the ever-changing landscape of this pandemic. We laid awake at night, scared for the safety of our families and loved ones. Unemployment rose to an all-time high since the depression and many people didn’t know how they were going to put food on the table.
This is a reality many people faced before the pandemic and something they’ll battle in years to come. It’s something my family has struggled with for generations. We’re fighting for this reality to change, but we’ve all learned this year how the systems in place in our country and around the world do not serve humanity’s best interests. We wanted our government to provide all the answers and support the most vulnerable at this time. However you view the administration’s actions during the pandemic — I hope we all learned that the peace we were seeking wouldn’t come from an external source.
The truth is, life has never been certain. Security isn’t something physical. It isn’t something you find in a job or in a relationship. Security is something nothing and no one else can give you. Our desire for security is based in lack — it’s an illusion that’s based in fear. Our minds lie to us and tell us that we’re not safe and there’s 100 things to worry about. But, if you’re alive and breathing — you are secure. This is the only evidence you need to know that you’re okay. We have the choice to live in a love-based reality, to seek safety and security within our own beating hearts. If you haven’t heard it in awhile, you are okay, you are safe, and you are universally supported.
❤ What we want most is a connection with ourselves.
We want the world’s attention because we weren’t taught self devotion, self sovereignty, or self love. Separation is an illusion. We get so caught up in being human — so tangled in others and the external world — we forget we’re more than our minds, our problems, and our identities. We forget our soul’s true nature.
We are human beings having a spiritual experience. There is a spirit inside of each of us that’s formless, boundless, and timeless. We forget we’re more than human, so we forget our divinity. We forget we are all connected, in spirit. We forget we are each other. We forget there is no division. We forget fear barely holds a candle to the flame of the love that unites us all. Love is our only true identity.
Self love is becoming into being with your most divine self. It’s waking up to the love that’s always been within you. Self love is an eternal flame that flickers even in the darkest moments. Self love is simply something you remember. Love is your birthright.
❤ Peace is knowing that tomorrow will come whether you want to move forward or not.
On my healing journey I’ve learned that contrast is the fabric of the human experience. If we didn’t know darkness, we wouldn’t know light. If we didn’t feel sadness, we wouldn’t know what joy feels like — that’s the gift of contrast.
Finding peace through the pain is the work. It’s holding yourself in your own arms as you mourn the loss of life. It’s crying yourself to sleep. It’s waking up the next morning, seeing the light through the blinds, and making yourself pancakes as you dance around in the kitchen to The Lumineers. Peace is knowing that tomorrow will come whether you want to move forward or not. The truth is, you will get through every dark night, to see the sun rise on the other side. The sun returns. It always has, and it always will. The same is true of you.
Life is not beautiful because it’s easy, adversity makes life beautiful.
Darkness is an old friend of mine. The lessons I’ve shared over the years were mostly learned through the adversity I’ve faced. I think of life as a master class. There is something to be learned in every experience we have. Challenge, pain, and loss are inevitable being human. The obstacles placed on your path are fabricated with the lessons you need to learn at each phase of your life. Our hardships show us what we’re really made of.
Life is testing and trying and just fucking hard sometimes. Yet, the human spirit proves again and again that we can truly overcome anything. We were built to move forward. Would we really appreciate the view without the climb? Our pain does serve a purpose, and suffering would have no meaning if we didn’t learn something from it.
Written by Courtney Faye Brown. Courtney shares human stories that raise awareness and help advocate for women empowerment. Courtney is a writer and poet, Digital Marketing Manager, mental health advocate, and personal development mentor.
